You don’t have to be a believer to laugh. Churches are now on roller-coasters! Pastors and prophets who cannot predict a boil are as hot as pepper in a foul society soup. They have just taken up the job Jesus Christ forgot to finish, except they want to finish it poorly. And the frantic crowd of stupid people loves it.
The big money-spinning activity these days is miracles, miracles, miracles! And there is always that faint corrupt smell which lingers in the dark corners of these churches. Some people view these newcomers into the business of religion as just another bunch of well dressed pirates; people with large stomachs and long throats for money. And the good life. They seem not to be the frugal visionaries with the grand design to guide the lost flock back to the holy spiritual world, but ambitious money brokers collecting their tithes and petitioning for monopolies in miracle manufacture and fishing for more naive souls. Conversions mount day by day. People check into mushroom churches as sinners. They check out as sinners. This gives the churches means of survival; money, food and why not entertainment?
Churches have become dairy farms where quack prophets milk gullible people who hunger for quick fixes to their problems. They are factories to mint money. Their activities are advertised on traditional media – posters, bill boards, flyers, radio, TV, loud hailers and all the like. People aren’t sure they would ever feel that sense of satisfaction again they once derived from mainstream churches. Not in today’s world of ‘miracle-making’ churches.
Droves of pastors and self-styled prophets are signing up to serve as voracious prayer warriors to wage economic wars to plunder the pockets of converts. The miracle makers have rendered the once revered pulpit a lousy listening post.
People beset by turbulent financial, psychological and emotional conditions; all convert regularly from one religion to the other; from traditional churches such as Catholic, Protestant, Baptist to wandering parishes and one-night stand pulpits. Policemen, mayors, school principles, administrators, politicians, widows, prostitutes…businesspersons are all cheap subjects of pastors. At the bottom of the social heap are the youths – Cameroon’s social rejects with life sentences commuted to permanent unemployment.
As the business in church miracles and revenues flows into the coffers of the various churches from the expanding empire of the ungodly mercenaries, fortunes are lavished on mansions, elegance and ostentation. Very unlike Jesus’ days. The common believer has no part in this.
Ok, so the long-hidden secret is finally out in the open.
The other day I knocked off work late in the evening, and decided to unwind with five litres of raffia wine and a cluster of kola nuts I had imported from Ngereffi land. As I slowly removed the cobwebs of the day, I regarded with amusement T.B Joshua’s 52nd birthday party being broadcast on TV. The party was thrown somewhere in Mexico, not even in Nigeria. And I wondered where the modern ‘men of God’, who profess and mention the name of Jesus Christ in every sentence they utter get such funds to bankroll sumptuous birthday parties. The answer was clear; there are leagues of sinners out there paying for those parties. Then I also caught sight of our very own Chi riding in a Hummer jeep in the capital of Ngereffi land, then he walked on a red carpet to the deafening ululations of a multitude awaiting salvation from him.
As many as there are devils so are there legions of imposters wringing out miracles by some magical arts…or just some funny optical illusion tricks. And now the homosexuals have thrown in their own smelly bomb of balls and nuts. They caught the Jaluo from Kisimu who sits on the imperial stool of the White House with his pants down, and he was left with little choice but to endorse homosexuality. The Episcopal General Convention, just days after the US Supreme Court legalized homosexual marriage America-wide, went gaga. I am sure Obama does not understand that black Africans are particularly sensitive to male to male smells and female to female odours. Naturally.
The insolent impiety of the pretenders to the holy throne designed to deceive Africans is finally leaking at the seams. The mystery and intriguing puzzle of the white man’s god is falling apart. The very hypocrites, who preached the concept of sanctity, are the very same persons now opening a vast door, flooding the lands with lightening truth about their distorted beliefs and social values. When they came, they recruited apprentices whom they aptly ranked and named as catechists at the lowest to brother, sister, nun, priest, bishop, archbishop and all the like titles.
Surely, the white man’s god has left the world. Even though I am not a fan of the subverted church, I pray for Jesus to descend upon the modern money-changing pastors, rabbis and priests, prophets and drive them away from the from the pulpits.